Life as a Tour Guide Part II: Why Can't Tour Groups Take the Metro?

photo by clydeorama on flickrcrossposted at Greater Greater Washington

When last we talked about my school groups, I promised to get into the nitty gritty of those big honking tour buses you see all over town. And I’d love to talk tour buses with you. I really would. But let me address the inevitable question I’m going to get first: “Why can’t these kids just walk and use the Metro?”

It’s a fair question. After all, I’m willing to bet just about every reader out there has been a tourist in a new city and managed to poke around without the benefit of a motor coach. We have a perfectly serviceable mass transit system that manages to shuttle thousands of other tourists while killing only a infinitesimal proportion of its riders. What makes eighth graders so special, so lazy, so pampered, they can’t hoof it a few blocks?

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Weekly Washington: But the dank, Moe? The dank!

photo uploaded to flickr by QuickLunarCopJ. Freedom du Lac, besides having one of the best names in journalism, had a good write up of the tour guide license lawsuit. Constitutional scholars are mixed on the merits of the case, which, of course, is why Constitutional scholars have jobs. My favorite part: plantiff in the case and Segs in the City co-owner Tonia Edwards refers to the Old Post Office as "the second-tallest building in Washington."  Except, it's not.

It's WAY too detailed to go into here, but DC has split the baby in half in the long running debate as to whether it's Meridian Hill or Malcolm X Park. Whatever, don't sweat it, but go check it out if you're in town. It's one of the city's great urban parks. (Prince of Petworth)

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The Circulator Cometh!

photo uploaded to flickr by krossbowWalking along the National Mall, distances become quite deceptive. The compulsion to see "just one more museum" can lead you further and further astray. Before you know it, you're a good mile away from the Metro, which in normal times would be but a fifteen minute stroll.

But it's not normal times. It's hot. The kids are clamoring for ice cream and rides on the carousel. Your feet hurt. The damned stroller keeps getting stuck with the godforsaken gravel along the paths. You're not even sure you are going the right way. And your wife is looking at you as if this is all your fault. I've been there before, and as I can't permanently stand outside the Air and Space museum bailing all of you out, I do what I can to point you in the right direction.

But with a little planning some more professional help is available, for the transportation problem at least. Starting this Saturday, March 27th, the Circulator will be re-starting it's National Mall loop. Unfortunatly, it only runs on weekends, from 10 am till 6 pm, but it's better than nothing. For those of you not familiar with this service, the Circulator is a bus system run by the District Department of Transportation, not the regional system that runs the Metro buses (WMATA). It offers a few advantages over the Metro bus system, especially for our out of town visitors. Unlike Metro bus, you don't need a Masters in Systems Engineering to understand the routing, it's somewhat cheaper at an uncomplicated $1 per ride, and the buses stand out with a distinctive color scheme.

The Smithsonian-National Mall loop, which runs in a loop around the outside of the museums (i.e. along Constitution and Independence Avenues) can be picked up on various spots and swings (with short walks) near the Smithsonian, Federal Triangle, Archives-Navy Memorial, L'Enfant Plaza, and Federal Center SW Metro stops (see here for more info on taking the Metro to the Mall). It also has the advantage of getting near the World War II Memorial. Unfortunately, it doesn't continue to the Lincoln Memorial so your options to get all the way down there are to walk or pay $27 for the Tourmobile, which I'm not linking to because it sucks.

So take a few minutes before you come, and familiarize yourself with the route. No doubt, you've already listened to me and purchased SmartTrip cards for your family, but if not, have a crisp $1 bill for everyone. This bus is designed to run every ten minutes, so don't worry about a schedule, although you can showoff and save this link for your smart phone. It'll finally answer the perennial question from your kids: "when is the bus going to be here" (the mass transit version of "are we there yet" for you auto types).

Pull this all together and your kids will have a fun ride and your wife can go back to wondering if you remembered to mow the lawn before you left home. That I can't help you with.

Seeing the Memorials and sparing your legs

Taking a tour of the monumental core of Washington, DC forces visitors to confront an interesting dilemma. These monuments are grand in size and set in splendid isolation, which results in stunning sightlines. The first time my tour bus crosses the Mall and my visitors see the Capitol can be so moving even an eight grader might stop texting. For a moment. But that same scale that makes such an iconic picture can be quite frustrating if you're actually attempting to visit the Memorials. It's a good hike to get the Jefferson, Vietnam, Korean, Lincoln, and FDR memorials in on one walk. And not a bad one, if it's a nice day. But, so often in DC, the oppressive heat of summer; the crowds of Cherry Blossom time; or the dreaded "wintery mix"; make a pleasant three mile stroll into a dreaded slog. I've even heard the phrase "Bataan Death March" bandied about, but I'll just write that off to overly dramatic whining.

All this is coupled with a lack of mass transit to the Memorials. The nearest Metro stations are almost a mile away, the bus system regards the Mall area as the Sahara, and the visitor friendly DC Circulator system stops just short of where you need it to be. And while I've recommended a few bike and Segway options, folks with small kids, disabilities, etc. may not be able to take advantage of them. Finally, to be frank, if you're going to do one walking tour of DC, the monuments wouldn't be where I'd send you.

The good news is that their are several tour bus options out there. The bad news, I haven't really tried any of them in a decade. After all, paying someone else to guide me around town didn't make a whole lot of fiscal sense. I've been planning on riding them all this summer, after I'm done with my school groups, but Kristina from Missouri caught me with my pants down, metaphorically speaking, when she asked:

"One question I have is which tour bus company (Old Trolley or Tourmobile) would you suggest using? And when is the best time to go on a tour bus (weekend or weekday)?"

I'm afraid it will be too late for Kristina, but if anyone has taken any or all of these, please leave your impressions in the comments or send them to me. I plan to compile everything I hear, as well as take a few tours myself, and post again in a few months with some recommendations. You know, when things calm down. Like in 2015, or so.